you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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