you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Less talking, more tequila
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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