Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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