Barsexuality is the new black.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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