Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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