i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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