My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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