Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
