I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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