What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
