there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
