Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
