i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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