She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
