oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
