I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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