so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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