see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
