He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
