Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
