he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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