you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
