You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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