A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
