OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
