I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
