I hate your face
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
