i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
