My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
