in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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