YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
