If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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