Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
