Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You are the jesus of drinking
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
