More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
