he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
