you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Who died my cat blue again?
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