so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
