Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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