dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
