I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
