turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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