3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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