It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
