My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
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Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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