My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
