I never want to see another naked old woman again.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
