Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
