can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
