I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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