If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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