Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
