yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
