I'm so fucking centered right now
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
