today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
