I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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