genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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